mother

did i mention my mother and i aren’t talking?

yeap. it’s been 6 months.

the last time i saw her was on christmas eve. then i posted something funny (about being engaged) on the 28th of december.  i called her (because she won’t call me) to ask how she was doing and she went on and on about not telling her about this person i was marrying (but mom, it was just a joke), and why do i let people use me (mom, i was just joking), and why do i tell strangers about my life and i don’t talk to her (mom, it was just a joke for goodness’ sake). and she won’t let me talk and we hang up and unresolved.

new year’s comes up and she won’t answer my call. she won’t answer my texts. i figured i’d let her be upset.

but my birthday comes along in february and she doesn’t contact me. i figured, as i’ve always known, that i’m just an incovenience to her. somehow my presence just bothers her and i made a point to just stay away from her life.

but then she sent me a message a week ago. started with asking me to forgive her, but it was us (her children), that have always treated her wrong. to forgive her about giving us her best. that one day we will know what sacrifices she’s made for us. that somehow i would probably just erase her email and not even bother to read it.

again, always expecting the worst of me. there must be something terribly wrong with me that not even my own mother would love me. right?

why am i even asking? of course it’s right.

so, i sent her a reply. telling her that it was my fault. that it’s always been my fault, because i couldn’t be the daughter she wanted me to be. that i’m the one that has failed. that as a mother, myself, i understand about the sacrifices.  that as a woman i understand how hard it is to be alone among so many people. and that i understand why i’ve always been a failure in her eyes. but there’s nothing i can do. i can’t change her mind. but i would always love her.

and i hit sent.

and my mind and my heart have shut down.

inevitable?

sigh.

i was sure of what i wanted to write, but now i feel so inadequate.

i should tell you what happened these past few month, huh? sigh. ok.

somehow we were able to reconstruct things and then fall apart. i am in a state of emptiness. i think the new flame is to be considered the one that caused my life to unravel in several other ways.

this new flame has just gotten out of  a relationship and so suddenly he is in love with me that i felt so scared that i said good bye.  but i must admit that at the beginning, it seemed that it felt right.  he said the right things, he did the right things, or at least they were the things i wanted to see. that i longed to see. somehow i was swept away by this love and attention, that i believed in the fairy tale.  then i put on the emergency brakes so hard and so fast, that i felt incredible confused and thus left him wandering what the heck happened. 

and that’s when i noticed the little things that irked me tremendously about him.  i started searching for anything that i couldn’t possibly tolerate. and in my search i found i didn’t like him at all. he was condescending. i could sense that he was showering me with affection, always expecting for me to return the affection at the same level of intensity as him.  and if i didn’t return the affection, he became needy and fearful. i felt cornered, trying to explain my every action.

then he tells me he missed the old person i was. the one that was so loving. pretty much that he couldn’t handle the person i was now.  that he was confused. and it all made sense. i knew then why i met him. i knew then why he was placed in my life. it was as if i was seeing myself in him with the way i loved ACF. completely and unequivocably wrong.

and now i see ACF in a different light. i don’t long to be with him the way i thought i loved him. now i see myself in a different light. more clear. and more raw. and more empty. and more painful.

i will be alone for the rest of my life. it is time i understand and accept that fact.

the dream is gone.

the dream is dead.

Away

Happy New Year, eh?
It wasn’t so bad, really. Getting out of here and going out of town was the best choice. Looking all over the placed where we could possibly move to was very encouraging and liberating. I can’t wait for time to pass so I can finally make the move and be done with this chapter in my life!
Is it too cruel to just leave with no trace? Just recreate my whole life and not take any friendships or family and just start all over? I want to reinvent my life. I want nothing of the old to remind me of how far I’ve come and whatever I will leave behind. Completely from scratch. Where if I fail again, this time it will be completely my fault. Come to think of it, I have to take responsibility for all my actions and I do. Really. But this time, when I move, this air I breathe won’t remind me of my mistakes. I need new roads, new challenges, new faces. New lips, new caresses. Away, far away from here.

I’ll tell you this much…

there is something weird how I handle emotions and relationships.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that tries to overcome a heartbreak by getting into another relationships, but let me tell you, you can’t blame a girl from trying!  And have I tried!

I keep making the wrong choices. But let’s back up a bit.  Did I mentioned that I have somehow “gotten back” with the heartbreaker most of these blogs are about? Ugh.  I’m not sure that was the right decision. Specially because he has gotten back to his tactics.  It was the beginning of November when he called back, and since then we have had sex several times.  I’m sure what he’s said was in the best of intentions, but he continued to say the “right” things by attempting to say that I know how to make him feel better and how easy it was to just carry on our “relationship” with such ease as if nothing has happened. And then just a couple of days ago, he said he doesn’t want us to “do it” anymore because he didn’t want to hurt me and he didn’t want to mix feelings into what we had.  What??!?!? Of course I played along and tried to be aloof about what he said. I mean, did he expect for my world to crumble once again! I have done it all!  I have cried. I have hated.  I have been depressed with no consolation in sight. And it wasn’t because of my failed relationship with him.  I think it was bigger than that. He personified every failed relationship in my life and I know it wasn’t him particularly.  It’s just that my heart got broken.  That’s all.  Will I overcome it completely?  Of course I will.  Yes.  Time has been my greatest ally. Sometimes it hurst more than others.  But many more other times I’ve survived. Am I still afraid to fall in love again? Yes.  But I’ve been there before. I want to fall in love again.  Feel the giddiness and the happiness. I don’t know how much longer I have to wait.  Is it right to be with the Mr-Right-Nows? Or should I just stay single?  I can definitely be single.  I don’t have to have someone by my side at all.  But I guess I should settle for friends. Whenever I want to make the time, then they’ll be there. If I feel like having some company, then I’ll get some company.  The other days I’ll just relish in my freedom.  Even as I type this, it all sounds so cruel. Hmmm.  Only time will tell.

unraveling thoughts

do you feel as if sometimes you just need to write what goes on in your head? many times i would just think about it and let the thoughts pester me for days and my heart would grow heavy and depression would quickly settle in.

since i started writing on this blog and working on my poetry, all i want to do when these feelings suffocate me, is just write them down as quickly as possible.  especially when the passion and the anger is still there and my fingers are just clicking and tapping away angrily trying to work at the same speed as my mind is enveloped in whirlwinds of emotions.

i’ve been married before. twice. today, my daughter gets dropped off my her dad and i cannot deny i feel physical attraction towards this man, but everything else i’m not sure i can stand.  at one point in time, he seemed to be the one i always wanted.  as a matter of fact, he marked off all the initals “requirements” that i wanted in a man.  but, i forgot to ask for someone who loved me back.  my anger tonight is because deep down i wish things were different.  the holidays are coming and i’m all alone. and i keep thinking is perhaps that feeling that it’s making me antsy.  the holidays are not my favorite time of year.  it is a reminder of how broken my family is and how lonely it gets in my bed when it’s cold outside and the coldness penetrates my heart and my soul.

does he ever think of me? does it hurt him at all? when he looks at me, does he have a yearning for what we could have been? my heart feels so heavy and i wish i could just have one of those really good cries.  the one where your eyes get so puffy, buggers are running like crazy, and you start hiccuping like crazy because there are no more tears to fall and all you get are these sighs at the end of every whimper and somehow it feels like if you’ve been thrown over the cliff. this too shall pass. i know. this is not the end of the world.  there is so much suffering around the world.  i know many people have it so much more difficult than i. but it’s the pain that cannot be shared, the one that makes you feel insecure and selfish that hurts the most.

does he ever think of me?

the dam is about to explode.

October nights

I don’t know what is going on.  I can’t stop crying.  I miss me so much.  I miss myself when I used to be in love.  I can’t think of how I will be able to overcome this.  How do I forget everything?  How is it even possible to think that one day I was going to fall in love? It seems like a broken record and all I can think of is the past that we shared.

Have I tried to overcome? Have I tried to pray and keep myself from falling apart?  Yes and yes.  I have tried so many people and so many ways to forget this particular chapter of my life.  I can tell everyone else that I am strong and this is over, but there is no one I can tell this to where I will feel accepted and not ashamed for falling in this pit of darkness and despair.

Do I need to forgive myself for what happened?  Is it him or is it perhaps something deeper than that?  Could it be that I feel that I’m getting older and maybe I won’t find someone who would love me or I would love again?  Almost all conversation about my age revolves around the excuses of: “I’ve been young before, I don’t need to dress young anymore”, “At least, I was in love once”, “Who would look at this older woman when there are so many young girls out there?”.  Really? I might not be the youngest or the most fit woman, but I know I need to stop this badgering of myself and get over it!  Common sense and experience tells me that I will overcome, that I will forget.  I just need a date.  A specific date and how all this will end. 

Do I need to forget completely?

I’ve dated so many people in this past year, but I keep choosing the same type of individual.  Withdrawn.  Emotionally unavailable. As if somehow I feel like  I need to rescue them and if only they would chose me.  And then, when I find someone that has a lot of interest in me, I immediately find reasons why I can’t date that person.  Perhaps they are overly attentive. Overly possessive.  At the same rate that I want someone with me, I also want someone who will offer the level of emotional security where we don’t have to be on top of each other and I won’t feel imprisoned by all the affection.

Looking back, however, he was overly possessive and insecure and I still loved him.  Gosh, he exhibited all the red flags I should have stayed away from and I still loved him unconditionally.  I couldn’t have enough of everything of him that was drama and compulsive behaviorism. It was so addictive. 

I needed to write what was going on my mind.  Since I don’t physically have someone to tell my fears and hopes, at least writing them for someone else to read is somehow therapeutic.  Feeling judged is one of my greatest fears… and so is loneliness…

I’m still here

I’m here again.  October marks a year since I last kissed his lips. You’d think the other tongues I’ve tasted would have erased his taste and my mind would have placed his memories in the “Once Upon a Time” file.  That area in my brain where I place all my heartbreaks and disappointments.

I guess if I didn’t try so hard at being cool and collected.  At being mysterious and dark, maybe I wouldn’t be here alone typing away rambling thoughts just to fill in the time that’s leftover of this day. 

I could just go to sleep.  But perhaps I will spend my time just rolling around in bed. Hot. Sweaty. Restless. And I will think of him again while I close my eyes and reach for the drawer in my nightstand. Once again, ending my plight with an “I’m yours! I’m yours! I’ve always been yours!” How more pathetic can I get. I’ve already checked his FB account, searching for some trace of the life we once shared.

Was it all my fault?

It’s quite impossible to move on when everywhere I look, there’s something of him there.  Everywhere.  The door handle he helped me fix. the backyard where we danced. Every room in this house we’ve blessed.  Don’t forget about the living room or the kitchen.  My, we had good times in the kitchen! Even dishes I’ve cooked remind me of him. Washing dishes. The books I’lll read.  Every song on my iPod had something of his. 

I’ve never loved like this.  And while I’m afraid, I also wish to love again. Or have I lost my chance? Do I get to love only once?  I sure hope not.  But a year? A year and I still can’t shake off this love?

Melancholic nights await me this October…