lazy sunday afternoon

Many more thoughts are crossing my mind.  It seems as if my mind insists on reminding me of him.  I know I am not the only one that has loved and lost, but yet it feels like it is, you know? I feel the need to keep on writing about what is going on in my mind.  I don’t have that many friends to confide the exact way I feel. I don’t want them to think somehow differently of me. I’m supposed to be strong. Have it all together. As if nothing brings me down.

I tried once to change that image of me and it backfired.  As if they didn’t know what to do with me. They just stared at me and said nothing. I’m usually the one that gives the advice and always has something to say to encourage someone and  was left feeling more lost and discouraged.

So, since I don’t know anyone here and you don’t know how I look, then I will continue talking about my fears and my failures in the hopes I can encourage myself.  This heartache and lasted for too long and I’m dying.  I’ve poisoned my thoughts and my heart with memories of him. How much longer?

It’s been 7 months.

It’s not like I haven’t tried to date other people. I sure have, but it lasts a week at the most and everything the other person does annoys me at week’s end and I know it’s not fair.  I can’t continue using others to overcome my pain. I am depressed and I know that. I wake up each morning with a sigh and tears in my eyes not looking forward to another day. I drop off my kids at school and on my way to work, it’s a continous flow of tears. I have lost all zest for life.  I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy where he wasn’t involved. I managed to include him in absolutely everything. He’s intricately meshed in every membrane of my soul. 

How much longer?

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