unraveling thoughts

do you feel as if sometimes you just need to write what goes on in your head? many times i would just think about it and let the thoughts pester me for days and my heart would grow heavy and depression would quickly settle in.

since i started writing on this blog and working on my poetry, all i want to do when these feelings suffocate me, is just write them down as quickly as possible.  especially when the passion and the anger is still there and my fingers are just clicking and tapping away angrily trying to work at the same speed as my mind is enveloped in whirlwinds of emotions.

i’ve been married before. twice. today, my daughter gets dropped off my her dad and i cannot deny i feel physical attraction towards this man, but everything else i’m not sure i can stand.  at one point in time, he seemed to be the one i always wanted.  as a matter of fact, he marked off all the initals “requirements” that i wanted in a man.  but, i forgot to ask for someone who loved me back.  my anger tonight is because deep down i wish things were different.  the holidays are coming and i’m all alone. and i keep thinking is perhaps that feeling that it’s making me antsy.  the holidays are not my favorite time of year.  it is a reminder of how broken my family is and how lonely it gets in my bed when it’s cold outside and the coldness penetrates my heart and my soul.

does he ever think of me? does it hurt him at all? when he looks at me, does he have a yearning for what we could have been? my heart feels so heavy and i wish i could just have one of those really good cries.  the one where your eyes get so puffy, buggers are running like crazy, and you start hiccuping like crazy because there are no more tears to fall and all you get are these sighs at the end of every whimper and somehow it feels like if you’ve been thrown over the cliff. this too shall pass. i know. this is not the end of the world.  there is so much suffering around the world.  i know many people have it so much more difficult than i. but it’s the pain that cannot be shared, the one that makes you feel insecure and selfish that hurts the most.

does he ever think of me?

the dam is about to explode.