mother

did i mention my mother and i aren’t talking?

yeap. it’s been 6 months.

the last time i saw her was on christmas eve. then i posted something funny (about being engaged) on the 28th of december.  i called her (because she won’t call me) to ask how she was doing and she went on and on about not telling her about this person i was marrying (but mom, it was just a joke), and why do i let people use me (mom, i was just joking), and why do i tell strangers about my life and i don’t talk to her (mom, it was just a joke for goodness’ sake). and she won’t let me talk and we hang up and unresolved.

new year’s comes up and she won’t answer my call. she won’t answer my texts. i figured i’d let her be upset.

but my birthday comes along in february and she doesn’t contact me. i figured, as i’ve always known, that i’m just an incovenience to her. somehow my presence just bothers her and i made a point to just stay away from her life.

but then she sent me a message a week ago. started with asking me to forgive her, but it was us (her children), that have always treated her wrong. to forgive her about giving us her best. that one day we will know what sacrifices she’s made for us. that somehow i would probably just erase her email and not even bother to read it.

again, always expecting the worst of me. there must be something terribly wrong with me that not even my own mother would love me. right?

why am i even asking? of course it’s right.

so, i sent her a reply. telling her that it was my fault. that it’s always been my fault, because i couldn’t be the daughter she wanted me to be. that i’m the one that has failed. that as a mother, myself, i understand about the sacrifices.  that as a woman i understand how hard it is to be alone among so many people. and that i understand why i’ve always been a failure in her eyes. but there’s nothing i can do. i can’t change her mind. but i would always love her.

and i hit sent.

and my mind and my heart have shut down.

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inevitable?

sigh.

i was sure of what i wanted to write, but now i feel so inadequate.

i should tell you what happened these past few month, huh? sigh. ok.

somehow we were able to reconstruct things and then fall apart. i am in a state of emptiness. i think the new flame is to be considered the one that caused my life to unravel in several other ways.

this new flame has just gotten out of  a relationship and so suddenly he is in love with me that i felt so scared that i said good bye.  but i must admit that at the beginning, it seemed that it felt right.  he said the right things, he did the right things, or at least they were the things i wanted to see. that i longed to see. somehow i was swept away by this love and attention, that i believed in the fairy tale.  then i put on the emergency brakes so hard and so fast, that i felt incredible confused and thus left him wandering what the heck happened. 

and that’s when i noticed the little things that irked me tremendously about him.  i started searching for anything that i couldn’t possibly tolerate. and in my search i found i didn’t like him at all. he was condescending. i could sense that he was showering me with affection, always expecting for me to return the affection at the same level of intensity as him.  and if i didn’t return the affection, he became needy and fearful. i felt cornered, trying to explain my every action.

then he tells me he missed the old person i was. the one that was so loving. pretty much that he couldn’t handle the person i was now.  that he was confused. and it all made sense. i knew then why i met him. i knew then why he was placed in my life. it was as if i was seeing myself in him with the way i loved ACF. completely and unequivocably wrong.

and now i see ACF in a different light. i don’t long to be with him the way i thought i loved him. now i see myself in a different light. more clear. and more raw. and more empty. and more painful.

i will be alone for the rest of my life. it is time i understand and accept that fact.

the dream is gone.

the dream is dead.