i was sure of what i wanted to write, but now i feel so inadequate.
i should tell you what happened these past few month, huh? sigh. ok.
somehow we were able to reconstruct things and then fall apart. i am in a state of emptiness. i think the new flame is to be considered the one that caused my life to unravel in several other ways.
this new flame has just gotten out of a relationship and so suddenly he is in love with me that i felt so scared that i said good bye. but i must admit that at the beginning, it seemed that it felt right. he said the right things, he did the right things, or at least they were the things i wanted to see. that i longed to see. somehow i was swept away by this love and attention, that i believed in the fairy tale. then i put on the emergency brakes so hard and so fast, that i felt incredible confused and thus left him wandering what the heck happened.
and that’s when i noticed the little things that irked me tremendously about him. i started searching for anything that i couldn’t possibly tolerate. and in my search i found i didn’t like him at all. he was condescending. i could sense that he was showering me with affection, always expecting for me to return the affection at the same level of intensity as him. and if i didn’t return the affection, he became needy and fearful. i felt cornered, trying to explain my every action.
then he tells me he missed the old person i was. the one that was so loving. pretty much that he couldn’t handle the person i was now. that he was confused. and it all made sense. i knew then why i met him. i knew then why he was placed in my life. it was as if i was seeing myself in him with the way i loved ACF. completely and unequivocably wrong.
and now i see ACF in a different light. i don’t long to be with him the way i thought i loved him. now i see myself in a different light. more clear. and more raw. and more empty. and more painful.
i will be alone for the rest of my life. it is time i understand and accept that fact.
the dream is gone.
the dream is dead.