mother

did i mention my mother and i aren’t talking?

yeap. it’s been 6 months.

the last time i saw her was on christmas eve. then i posted something funny (about being engaged) on the 28th of december.  i called her (because she won’t call me) to ask how she was doing and she went on and on about not telling her about this person i was marrying (but mom, it was just a joke), and why do i let people use me (mom, i was just joking), and why do i tell strangers about my life and i don’t talk to her (mom, it was just a joke for goodness’ sake). and she won’t let me talk and we hang up and unresolved.

new year’s comes up and she won’t answer my call. she won’t answer my texts. i figured i’d let her be upset.

but my birthday comes along in february and she doesn’t contact me. i figured, as i’ve always known, that i’m just an incovenience to her. somehow my presence just bothers her and i made a point to just stay away from her life.

but then she sent me a message a week ago. started with asking me to forgive her, but it was us (her children), that have always treated her wrong. to forgive her about giving us her best. that one day we will know what sacrifices she’s made for us. that somehow i would probably just erase her email and not even bother to read it.

again, always expecting the worst of me. there must be something terribly wrong with me that not even my own mother would love me. right?

why am i even asking? of course it’s right.

so, i sent her a reply. telling her that it was my fault. that it’s always been my fault, because i couldn’t be the daughter she wanted me to be. that i’m the one that has failed. that as a mother, myself, i understand about the sacrifices.  that as a woman i understand how hard it is to be alone among so many people. and that i understand why i’ve always been a failure in her eyes. but there’s nothing i can do. i can’t change her mind. but i would always love her.

and i hit sent.

and my mind and my heart have shut down.

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